Getting There

So you’ve decided you want to visit the mecca of bad decisions, but you’re clueless as to how to get there? 

Girl, have you heard of skyscanner? 

If you are coming from the US, the flight from NY to London is usually the cheapest. However, if you’re one of those “I know I can find a better deal” types, you can try writing in your city and setting the destination to “everywhere”. From there you should be able to see how you can get to the UK or EU the cheapest. The next step is booking a ticket from that city (your destination) as it’s generally cheaper once you’re actually in the EU.

The boat from Barcelona to Ibiza starts at 50 euros. If you book with Ryanair, just know that they charge A LOT per bag, so it may not be worth it to go that luxurious, you bougie twat. Why not just be a true broke girl and take a small bag. How many changes of clothes do you really need?

What to pack when traveling to Ibiza Island

Well, big or small bag (again, go small) here is what you’ll need:

 

  • Small bathing suit. Ibiza is basically a thong factory. Also, it’s Europe. Don’t be shy, Becky.
  • The sarong that you can wear like a scarf and don’t need to store in a bag. A sweet leather jacket or something equally as cool in case it’s cold.
  • Some comfortable party shoes you can wear in the sand, and one a little less comfortable, but know that you don’t absolutely need heels in Ibiza, but I won’t be the one to talk you out of it.
  • A few rad, interchangeable outfits. This is where you get creative. We’re talking day and night interchangeable, cause let’s be real: you’re not always gonna’ have time or be cogent enough to change.

Transportation in Ibiza

I’ll be honest, if there’s one expense that is the bane of the broke girl’s existence the world over, it’s cabs.

There’s no exception here. But there are ways around it.

You’d think you could just get a spot close to everything you need, but you’d be wrong. 

Why? Because nothing is close to anything else. The bars are spread throughout the highway in the middle, but there’s tons of OTHER stuff (and let’s be real, sweetie, you’re here for the OTHER stuff) spread out all over.

Your absolute best solution is to rent a motorbike. They go for about 20 to 25 Euros a day. If you are truly a broke girl, you can definitely try to talk down vendors for weekly prices, and it’s better than trying to buy one and sell it later. If it breaks you won’t find a repair shop on the island willing to take anyone before the 13th of never. Just as a wrap-up and to put this all in perspective, one cab ride will be the same price as a motorbike all day.

A bike can give you the freedom to go wherever and make it to the villa party, it can give you the freedom to do anything you want, including going to the small beautiful towns on the island, and seeing some truly amazing sites.

Oh you can’t drive a motorbike, you say? B%tch, you’re in Ibiza. Learn.
Can’t stand the thought of trying to learn? Ugh. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You could potentially find a cheap Airbnb but the question is where. Once you’re there, you’re there unless you’re truly a walker (this is a joke, DO NOT walk around Ibiza) or manage to work out something with a cab driver (again, this is a joke, Becky. DO NOT attempt to “work out” anything with a cab driver. That is literally the premise to so many horror movies).

There is also the possibility of renting a car. You already know how to drive one, and you and your girls could split it up and make it work. But please get a designated driver. With a motorbike you could leave it just about anywhere, you won’t have to pay for parking either. But with a car comes parking cost and police, so plan for that.
This will still be cheaper than just a few cab rides, and you could pick it up right from the airport.

Accommodation

You’re best bet might be the younger part of the city in Sant Antoni de Portmany. Here you’ll find there’s so much to do you may not even want to leave. Or, even better, you can make friends and find someone to take you out of there.

This side of the island is less ritsy, less classy, so it will be a bit cheaper for accommodation and you could walk to everything you need. Although you may not be able to walk to the giant warehouse clubs ibiza is known for, you will get a lot done in that small space.

So one cab from the airport to this location could be your best bet. It is more touristy, so less chance to meet locals, but more of a chance to find your party buds and bring the house down on a budget. Do you really care? You’ll still get your instagram pics and you still “partied in Ibiza.”

You could also stay near Usuia and try to work your way into the graces of some bougie tourist, but this is honestly a waste of time in Ibiza. In this lovely island there are less than a handful of clubs where you can buy a table. This is an important piece of info because unlike Las Vegas and Miami, it’s not how much you can buy, it’s who you know. And let’s be real, girl, you don’t know anyone. But I gotchu, boo. Just keep reading or skip to Party Tricks if you’re just trying to ho it up.

You can try couchsurfing, I have had some luck. But most locals are not looking to house people in between their time at the disco tech. They’re looking to house people who are their for the culture.
Again, just get a goddamn bike and see all of it.

Airbnb is pretty great, you can even try to ask if you can stay for cheaper and pay them in cash. Hell, they might even agree to not pay the Airbnb fee. Or they might say no because you’re a trash person and your AIRBNB reviews are terrible, leading them to think you’re just trying to get out of paying a cleaning fee when you destroy the place. Yeah, you didn’t think that weekend in Kentucky would come back to bite you, did you Becky?

Downtown in the main square is a sweet place to stay. Although you might not be close to any night life the bar scene is pretty rad and great places to eat. None of which are cheap. Speaking of eating…

Food in Ibiza

So, I’ll just say up front, without advocating anything here, that God created Adderall for a reason. 

The best way to get the meals you need is to rent a place with a kitchen and grocery shop, or get some black beans and do what you gotta do.

There is literally no such thing as a cheap restaurant in Ibiza. There is virtually no fast food because unlike you, they care about their body. Peanut butter is not really a thing in europe so you will have to get creative with your cold sandwiches. I’m fairly certain that when I finally do dance my last dance into the afterlife it will be mostly due to an overconsumption of tuna. 

Partying in Ibiza Island

Okay, so we both know this is the part you’re really looking for. Let me state up front that your party is your party. Your girl ain’t gonna’ judge you, but please just remember that this is 2019, bitch. No one’s got your back but you. That said…

 

Why are you risking going to Ibiza as a broke girl? Because you want to party. You want to know how it feels to breath the freest air in the world.

Someone told me that there was a large rocklike structure near Ibiza that was the second most magnetic place in the world. I never fact-checked it, I am not even sure what that means, but I believe them because this place is pure magic. Just trust me you can feel it.

The real beauty is that age is not a thing, I partied next to what I can only describe as a 90-year-old woman in all leather, and no one batted an eye. There are no sexy Instagram models on the tables, just anyone who wants to get a little nuts, and it’s spectacular.

The best party trick here is going to be easy and straightforward. Let me break it down for you girl.

First of all, just to step into a club on Ibiza island is going to cost you 50 euros. This is not something a broke girl can afford.

Remember when I said it’s not what you can buy it’s who you know? Well, I wasn’t kidding.

When I went to Ibiza I was amazed by the lack of table service, and it didn’t take me long to figure out the real parties were in secret rooms you can’t buy your way into. The real parties are in villas in the hills when the clubs close down.

So get your tinder/bumble/whisper whatever on and swipe yes to every local. I don’t care if he/she is just a bouncer at a local bar or works a counter at the drugstore, swipe yes. These people not only know where to go but they know the people that will take you to the real parties, not the sold-out tourist experience.
Don’t beat around the bush and waste time either, just write in your profile “Take me to the disco tech.”
Do not say yes to tourists, no matter how many pictures they have on a yacht. They are on that site to find girls to take advantage of, not take them out. Again, ain’t no one got your back but you.

Can you imagine a man on a very expensive vacation pick up a girl just to show her a good time? If you can, maybe you should just follow your friends to Panama City for spring break this year, cause you’re just dying to become a statistic. But locals will show you the best of their lives there, and you’d do well to enjoy every second of it.

I know I keep saying this, but be safe, girl. Tell someone where you are going. Even if they are not in the same country, SOMEONE should know who you are hanging out with and where you are going to meet up.
That said, once you’ve found a local with an acceptable level of trustworthiness, let them show you around, you will see some pretty amazing stuff.

Also, despite the shade thrown earlier, tourists can be great if you meet them organically. Some of the greatest friends I made on the island were a group of dudes in a bachelor party. They took me to the fancier clubs, and I stayed reasonably safe. I wouldn’t have even tried to dress up for if their British pound wasn’t backing me.

All that said, the best parties I went to were facilitated by a waiter I met. I saw some incredible nightlife with a bouncer from a strip club, and I damn near fell in love with DJ based entirely on the places he took me to.

Ok, I’m going to say this one last time: Be. Fucking. Safe. Stay aware of your surroundings.

Please know that unlike night clubs in the states the security will not look out for you. If you feel unsafe you need to leave and go back to where you are staying. Do not go out without an emergency cab fund to get out of there. Always watch your drinks, even if you think you trust everyone around you, or just take shots so you can dance with free hands.

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